Friday, September 8, 2017

Preview: Black Women's Subjectivity and (Our) Pursuit of Desire

I'm in the process of writing a massive blog entry on representation of black women and dating in the media, sexuality, heteronormative desire and my own personal experiences.  This is a post that has been building up for a long time.  I've watched Insecure (HBO) and Being Mary Jane (BET) and have read Zane's work and saw the film adaptation of her book, Addicted. I'm really excited to share this post with you all very soon so, in the meantime, check out trailers on each of the aforementioned works.

Official Trailer for Insecure, Season Two (2017)

Being Mary Jane, Season Four (2017)

Zane's Addicted (2014)

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Chasing "Me"

What does it mean to experience iconic figures who influenced you indirectly earlier in life but you don't acquaint yourself with their contribution to the world until after they've left this earth?! Well, I find myself in that space recently.

A few weeks ago, I saw All Eyes On Me (2017), a biopic on the (very short) life of TuPac Shakur.  This past Wednesday, I saw the documentary, Chasing Trane (2016), on yet another short lived but prolific life - that of saxophonist and jazz composer, John Coltrane.  I was shocked, and sad, to learn that both men died fairly young - Shakur at 25 and Coltrane at 40.  I should have been well aware of the age of Shakur's departure since I remember, to the day, of hearing about the time he was shot in Las Vegas.  But given that I was so young at the time, I have vague recollection of the fine details around the tragic event.  And Coltrane, I didn't find out the exact age until towards the end of the film when they revealed this fact.

As the constant self-reflexive person I am, I found myself wondering what have I accomplished in my life by the time I reached (or will reach) these ages.  By the time I was 25, I was in my first year of my M.F.A. program.  I'll soon be turning 40 and there's so much I have yet to accomplish but really want to.  Both Shakur and Coltrane had these massive bodies of work and have each recently been inaugurated into their respective industries' equivalent of a Hall of Fame.

How many people are familiar with the "Jesus Year?!"  This term refers to the age that Jesus was crucified and loosely a time when people experience some sort of rebirth.  For me, my "Jesus Year(s)" are 25 and 40...especially 40 since it's creeping up faster than what I wish to acknowledge.  What can I and have I accomplished by 2019?! I just gave my age away but I'm a woman who is proud of getting older, especially since my mom died at a young age (57 will be another "Jesus Year" for me as that is the age that she passed - I, of course, hope to make it further).

I look up to both Coltrane and Shakur for their discipline when it came to being able to generate their musical catalogs and also the pride and love they showed for their families and communities.  Both humble in their own way, they never forgot their origins and those who helped them accomplish dreams and goals.  I especially look up to Coltrane for his spiritual discipline and his connection to this realm.  This is something that I've struggled with for all of my life and I want to find a way to marry my religious and spiritual connection with what I think is best for me, lifestyle wise.  Growing up Christian but finding myself aligning more with Eastern spiritual practices, all of these things clash in dangerous ways....some alienating me from those I grew up with and others from my past.  This is very hard for me as I'm someone who believes that the past plays a huge part in forming one's identity (it's not the sole thing but one that informs who we are - whether it's trauma inducing and making us wanting to completely divorce these painful experiences or the proud sum of the whole).

While Coltrane has exhibited some form of musical talent and genius for most of his life, it wasn't until he sobered up from drug use earlier in his career and found a spiritual practice that he began to produce his most important and influential work.  I've always thought to myself what would and could happen with my writing if I found this for myself.  I've been sober, from alcohol and not by choice, since October.  And, while I haven't found the sort of clarity gifted to Coltrane, I haven't experienced a panic attack since late October.  I had to stop drinking due to medication that I'm on to curb these attacks and I'm very happy that I haven't had one in a while.  For those who haven't had one, panic attacks (literally) feel like you're dying.  Though I miss my mother dearly, I'm not ready to join her quite yet.

I've always participated in some form of artistic practice.  Whether it was singing in my church's choir from age 6 to 14, studying African dance, flamenco, and modern throughout most of my life in some form, playing the clarinet starting at 8 years old, writing my first poem in 2nd grade and winning a statewide competition with this piece, or photographing the beauty that surrounds me on a daily basis, I've always been a "creative."  The issue has been what is the genre/discipline that I can dedicate my time to the most and one (or multiple) that would bring me the most joy and fulfillment.  Every time I've worked hard towards something and haven't yielded my desired results, I quit it immediately and put it in the back of my mind like it never happened.  This is what happened with playing the clarinet and classical music, acting, and dancing.  Dropping the clarinet is accompanied by so much trauma as no matter how hard I practiced, I never made it past third chair in orchestra or band, I didn't get to solo often in orchestra (there's an infamous story of me losing the bass clarinet solo for Pines of Rome despite being assigned this instrument in orchestra), and I had so many private instructors and conductors tell me that black people don't do classical music and that my lips were too big to form the embouchure that would produce the standard classical sound.  The last time I seriously practiced and played was at 22 years old and I've since played a lot of money to get my instrument overhauled - and, I experienced some trauma around this as the instrument repair company did a poor job and wanted to blame me for the issue.  I got it repaired in a different state and it was shipped back to me.  Upon opening the delivery package, I found keys and screws bent.  So now, my instrument is sitting in its case on the kitchen floor because I just don't have the energy or motivation to find someone to make the final repairs (this is also after already spending more than $500 on the initial rebuild).

I've spent most of this morning listening to Coltrane's A Love Supreme (1965), an homage to his spiritual relationship with God.  It is one of the most important works in his canon and in the jazz world.  The documentary goes into some detail behind what it took for him to be able to compose and play this masterpiece.  Sadly, he died of liver cancer only a few years after the release of this album.  It's not really ironic that I'm listening to this work on a Sunday morning, the time that many of the Christian faith traditionally find themselves in their homes of worship.  My Sundays tend to be my time with a Higher being as I spend most of the time journaling, reflecting on the past week and the week ahead, along with disconnecting from most media.  I also light a candle on the altar I built in honor of my mom after her passing.  Given my current lack of a spiritual connection and a routine artistic practice, will I ever find myself being able to produce the equivalent to A Love Supreme? Honestly, I really hope so.

All of this is to say that these films and the lives they each depict have given me so much to think about and reflect on.  What is it that I want my life to be remembered for?  What is the thing - or are the things - I wish to leave behind? Do I really want to be a Mozart or Shakespeare, artists whose works weren't really celebrated until centuries after each of their deaths?!  What is it I'm doing with my life?!  What do I want others to say about me once I've reached my Coltrane "Year"?!  Readers, how many of you stopped to ponder these questions? What would you like to accomplish before your "year"? What have you accomplished by your "year" and is it what you wanted and hoped for? Whose milestone would you make your "year" and why?  As always, I like to leave you all with multiple questions because these are the questions that I have for myself and I hope that everyone is thinking along these same lines as these are the things that make us "us."

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

#MediaInColor: Representation Matters in the Age of Trump(iness)

Prior to beginning this post, I'd like to take this moment to let you know that I proudly stand firmly in who I am!  I'd like to dedicate this "return" to my mom, Wanda Marie Young, who departed this life on March 6, 2015.  Thank you for encouraging me at a very young age to read and write all that I can, for gifting me with loads of magazine subscriptions in my teen years and for teaching me the importance of allowing history to guide rather then hinder your way.  You've always respected me as a writer and I'll continue to pen the lives of those who are absent and silent until my time to join you has come.

The past 21 months have been one helluva rollercoaster for me.  Hard to believe but this is my first blog post since April of 2015.  A laundry list of things happened to me over the past (almost) two years including the sudden passing of my mother, the lost of other loved ones (including saying "goodbye" to some long-cherished friendships), a hard-hitting mental illness diagnosis, a reevaluation of my own career and educational choices, celebrating friends' academic, career and personal accomplishments, the end of a long-term romantic relationship, accepting an adjunct faculty position (yup, I have two jobs, one part-time and one full-time - I'm trying to save up for a car), financial pitfalls and triumphs, and haulting all forms of art-making.  Pretty much, I had a midlife crisis at the sheer age of 35.  Other than a reintroduction to the "blogosphere", I felt the need to start off this post in this manner due to the fact that while I've been absent, the presence of people of color in the media has endured and exploded in a unique way.

Within one month, I got to see the following films:  Moana, Moonlight (saw it twice), Fences, and Hidden Figures.  The last few months of 2016 were filled with lots of screen time with people of color including The Queen of Katwe and Miss Sharon Jones! (may this SiSTAR rest in beautiful peace).  I also binged watched the series Insecure (I actually cried after the last episode because I felt like I lost a best friend...Season One is only 8 episodes and I can't wait until Season Two arrives) over the holidays and have plans to do the same for Atlanta.  I'm so excited for tonight's season premiere of Being Mary Jane and can never miss an original airing of any episodes of Black-ish!

I purposely went to see Hidden Figures opening weekend (and I brought friends) because I want to see this film not only make it's money back tenfold, I want it to be in theatres for a long time for it tells an important untold story from American history.  Honestly, I feel like the book should be incorporated into high school curricula.  I beg of my readership to please find these films at theatres near you (please do not obtain bootlegged copies because the wrong hands will get hold of your money) as we need to support those of our community telling our stories.  While I understand that taking a family out for a movie outing could cost around $50-60 (which I suggest going to enjoy a lunch or coffee/tea afterwards to discuss what you've seen and save the money on concessions - for your money can be better spent on a more fulfilling meal and experience - I'm also suggesting attending a matinee screening which can save you a few bucks), you're helping to keep these artists and producers employed.

While I was hoping for big wins during Sunday's Golden Globe Awards, I'm more depending on ticket sales to prove to the world that these stories are necessary.  If we don't see these films ourselves, then what's the point?!  Do we really need accolades to inform our decisions to support media? I really hope not because we'll be in deep trouble as I'm afraid that films like La La Land are going to sweep every category it's nominated for.  BTW, I don't want to spend too much time hating on La La Land but what I will say is that I saw it and didn't necessarily enjoy it because I find it hard to connect to someone else's nostalgia especially while mine is absent.  I want to applaud the film's cinematography and art direction for those elements were beautiful.  Also, I thought Ryan Gosling gave a stunning performance.

For a long time, even now, it was rare to see "myself" on screen.  While I saw other African-Americans and women, I saw them from the front row of a time machine.  It was always from a historical perspective.  I'll never forget one of the last conversations I had with my mom prior to becoming my ancestor.  We talked about the time when I went to see the film Selma; I actually went to see it on MLK Day in 2015.  She told me a lot about existing during that time, seeing the world through the eyes of a young child (her and my dad were born in the late 1950s).  I've always imagined seeing historical events from the perspective of a younger version of myself in real time.  What a way to define your identity.  This actually might explain why my parents, their parents, THEIR parents and others from my upbringing are so proud of their blackness as they were surrounded by it everyday, whether exposed through troupes or empowering images.

In recalling watching Selma, it took me back to the field trip I took in middle school to see Spike Lee's Malcolm X.  School was closed that day and they rented out an entire movie theatre (it was the Mercury Theatre back in Detroit, which has since was a two-screen house and we took up every seat).  I remember seeing the (seems like) endless sea of black faces on the bus and also seeing a prominent African-American figure's life take shape on screen.  I was so moved by Malcolm X's story to where I had to do more research on his life afterwards.  Back then, that took the form of going to the library and paging through encyclopedias rather than the quick form of Google, which is available in a millisecond via the cell phones and tablets of today.  I remember being so proud to be BLACK!  You would think that I would have been able to embrace many more of these experiences given that information is within reach via the ever-evolving technology that I possess within my hands (I always have my iPhone and iPad handy).  But alas, it took a film adaptation of Margot Lee Shetterly's book to expose me to the stories of Dorothy Vaughn, Katherine Johnson and Mary Jackson and to pay for subscriptions to HBO, Hulu, Amazon Prime Video and Netflix to get caught up on The Mindy Project, Insecure and other series featuring heroines of color.  I am also happy that August Wilson adapted his play Fences for the screen prior to his death.  So many people thought that Fences has always been a film, when in fact it's won Tony Awards and continues to be produced in theatres across the country.  I've talked breathlessly about the importance of marrying "multicultural theatre" (I actually teach Fences in my Theatre and Social Change course) and audiences of color and I'm glad that this relationship is taking shape through this film.

In summary, I couldn't find it deep in my soul to connect with La La Land because it tells a story that I've heard quite often as whiteness and white history is so much a part of the daily milieu to where many people disbelieve the existence of a white race.  And, nostalgia is painful for me because of the absence of the many comforts of my formative years.  There's stores and schools that are closed (all but one school that I attended is now closed; and that school, I only attended for a year and a half), people that have passed on, homes I once lived in are no more (each home that I lived in as a child has been vacated and torn down for several years) and memories lost because no one thought to put them to pen and paper. People of privilege don't have to fight hard to access these things as it surrounds all of us constantly, even without permission.

And some may say that I can't come to terms with watching anything mainstream because I'm an "artist."  If you give me a good story, I can always find a way to relate to it.  One of my favorite films of 2016 happens to be Bridget Jones's Baby, which stars Renee Zellweger playing an almost middle-aged woman living in the U.K.

Now, you may wonder why I titled this post in the matter that I did.  I strongly believe that if it were up to Trump, he'd either ship us all back to (what he thinks are) our origin countries or just re institute slavery.  I'll let you know RIGHT NOW that I'd make a horrible slave because I rarely did chores as a kid and I fight back!  Him and his "followers" have plans to erase everything that has made our country already great.  And for those who know me well know that I'm a HUGE fan of Stephen Colbert, "trumpiness" (2015) is a take on his coined term "truthiness" (2005) where trumpiness does not even have to feel "true."  We need to prove that WE are all "true" and that we will TRUMP all over the incoming Presidential Administration!

In the age of "Trump," I ask all of you, every single person in a marginalized community (which is practically everyone I know...even if they cease to acknowledge that) to please make the most of the next four years and live in your truths.  Don't be ashamed of who you are.  Be as quirky as you wanna be.  Don't apologize for yearning more and for embracing your cultural heritage - those bestowed upon you by your "families", birth and chosen.  Be who you are because no one else can do the job better than you! Educate others while enriching your own experiences.  Expose yourself and your friends to new things - movies, food, languages, and places.  I trust that our world will be given to us before we know it!  The media of our people is creating a new universe and we must be prepared to exist in it tenaciously.

BTW, two of the films that I mention in this post were produced and distributed by Disney.  Thank you Disney for believing that we (women of color) can be chiefs, princesses, and conquerors of our own destinies.  And, please read more about the renaissance in African-American media.